"I just saw a double rainbow and, I have to say, it was no where near as exciting as I was led to believe it would be."

"It’s not a family holiday brunch unless you season your country potatoes and eggs benedict with champagne and tears."

"Bugs are gross. Except butterflies, because they are pretty. I guess I’m shallow."

"I was like yeah and she was like OMG and I was like that sucks and she was like lesson learned, don’t go dwarf tossing near a wood chipper."

"1492 was the 2012 for the Native Americans."

"Laundromats should be free as a public service."

"Of all the possible talents the universe could have provided me the best one I got was making surprisingly accurate duck sounds from my ass."

"A spot of bird shit is annoying but if a Pterodactyl shit on your car the pile would cover it completely so thank god for extinction, right?"

"I had to use the non-handicapped stall at work today or, as I like call it, “flying coach”."

"“…So then the SECOND dog puked all over the first dog who then tried to shake it off and, well, long story short, we should take your car”"

"By now, my dog must think his name is “OH MY GOD HENRY NOT FOR DOGS STOP CHEWING ON THAT HENRY DROP IT BAD DOG DROP IT HENRY STOP”"

"For the record, “thinking out loud” is also referred to as speaking."

"Chewbacca was basically an oversized pekinese with an auto tuner stuck in his throat."

"Today I’m going to take the world by partly cloudy sky with scattered showers!"

"I spent way too much time this morning figuring out the most efficient way to get Cheerios out of a bowl using only the spray nozzle."

"After launching themselves into structures and blowing themselves up they have moved from Angry Birds to Terrorist Birds."

"I’ve had so much coffee today I’m bending the space-time continuum."

"I don’t like raisins because it’s like eating old people"

"After a good bowel movement I jump up from the toilet like the “I LOVE WHAT YOU DO FOR ME” Toyota commercials in the 80′s."

"After 12 years and 264 days of being around random murders you would think Jessica Fletcher would enjoy more Staycations."

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"I hope my arch nemesis is as lazy as I am."

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