"I’m sick of driving my car. Maybe I’ll ride my mechanical bull to work today."
"More than half of me thinks that clowns should be illegal but I’m 75% water so I’m not exactly sure what that means for clowns."
"1492 was the 2012 for the Native Americans."
"After 35 years on this planet one thing I know for sure is that hummingbirds are assholes."
"A large cross tramp stamp is really confusing. It simultaneously says “fuck me like a whore” and “god’s watching you, asshole”."
"After launching themselves into structures and blowing themselves up they have moved from Angry Birds to Terrorist Birds."
"When I gave my wife a cookbook as a gift, she learned how to bake a cake, how to sauté, and exactly how hard she can throw a book at my head"
"10 out of 10 people honestly think their lane is the slowest in a traffic jam."
"For gods sake, if an 8 year old boy asks you to smell his finger DON’T FUCKING DO IT."
"If the drug companies were thinking ahead there would be increasing doses of Valium under each door of my Advent calendar."
"I’m a big fan of masturbation. Whoops, iPhone typo, I meant moderation."
"Today I’m going to take the world by partly cloudy sky with scattered showers!"
"Half man, half slug, half unicorn, scientists are trying to figure out how this long haired man beast has three halves."
"After the third time he yelled “IT’S A TRAP” to a girl at the bar it became abundantly clear that Admiral Akbar was an awful wing man."
"“Baby on board”? If you want people to stop tailgating you I would go with “ninja on board”."
"You know, vampires are awfully well put together for a group of people that have no reflection."
"If you’re going to steak a vampire make sure you get a bone-in filet because smacking him in the chest with raw meat will only piss him off."
"Chewbacca was basically an oversized pekinese with an auto tuner stuck in his throat."
"Despite what Animal Planet will have you believe, hummingbirds are assholes."
"I save all my apples for the day that the doctors try to take me by force."
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"I hope my arch nemesis is as lazy as I am."

Category Archives: Childhood

True story: Alcohol, underage drivers and insurance fraud don’t mix.

By Mr. Chicken | Published: March 13, 2012

Most good stories involve a girl, alcohol, and/or a series of bad decisions. This one is no different. I’ll call the girl Mauran Langecosi. I met Mauran while working as a life guard at a local pool in the town I grew up in. She was a year younger than me and ridiculously hot, so naturally, I did everything I could to impress her.  From throwing myself off the diving board in every which way to doing donuts in the gravel parking … Read More »

Posted in Childhood | 2 Comments

Afropubes: A tale of oral sex in the 80′s.

By Mr. Chicken | Published: January 22, 2012

I was fortunate to grow up in a simpler time. Back in the late 80′s/early 90′s, when you left the house you were out of touch until you arrived somewhere else. The internet was still mainly used for porn distribution, and you could still successfully pick up a girl at a book store without worrying about what was on your Facebook wall or Twitter feed. Yes, times were simpler and, some would argue, a bit better.

Things … Read More »

Posted in Childhood | 2 Comments
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