"“Whoa!… go!… Whoa!…why did you stop?.. Whoa!… I’m not getting anywhere!” Keanu Reeves riding one confused horse."
"I had to use the non-handicapped stall at work today or, as I like call it, “flying coach”."
"If you’re going to steak a vampire make sure you get a bone-in filet because smacking him in the chest with raw meat will only piss him off."
"I like to relieve my traffic frustrations by pulling up to next to people in convertibles and thoroughly cleaning my windshield."
"I’m a big fan of masturbation. Whoops, iPhone typo, I meant moderation."
"I spent way too much time this morning figuring out the most efficient way to get Cheerios out of a bowl using only the spray nozzle."
"I bet SmartCar sales guys have to use fractions when they are describing how many dead hookers will fit in the trunk."
"Don’t call yourself a Sandwich Artist if you can’t figure out what I mean when I order “Chartreuse textures and ambient shades of arrogance”"
"The worst thing you can do is show up to a spatula fight with a wisk."
"A real sandwich artist takes no shit from unruly spinach."
"I’d like to be a woman for a day just so I can experience what “being right” feels like."
"After a good bowel movement I jump up from the toilet like the “I LOVE WHAT YOU DO FOR ME” Toyota commercials in the 80′s."
"Sometimes when I can’t think of a tweet I just beat the crap out of a kid until it says or does something funny."
"Blind guys win because they get to check girls out by touch."
"Someone should remind these fat, religious, Planned Parenthood protesters that gluttony is a sin too."
"I like to put airplane liquor bottles in tiny paper bags and pretend I’m an alcoholic giant."
"After spending the past 20 years at minimum wage as a target cashier I bet Roxanne wishes she turned that red light on after all."
"To avoid muscle cramps from excessive use while driving I tie small hot air balloons to my middle fingers."
"You would think old people would want to drive from point A to point B as fast as possible since, you know, imminent death and everything."
"A Harley Davidson is really just a Sybian with wheels."
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"I hope my arch nemesis is as lazy as I am."

Monthly Archives: October 2011

TWITTER GOD!

By Mr. Chicken | Published: October 13, 2011

She picked up her iPhone and looked me up on Twitter after my “friend” told her that I was funny. After fumbling around between each other on the spelling of my name she proclaimed loudly:

“Wow, you’re like a Twitter GOD!”. I cringed; I can’t fucking stand that statement. I don’t agree with it at all, but even if it was true, is that even a compliment? It’s fucking TWITTER!

Also, I knew what came … Read More »

Posted in General Stuff | 3 Comments

Go Left.

By Mr. Chicken | Published: October 3, 2011

There’s nothing a fast pun and a little jazz hands mixed with a sashay can’t fix, that’s the moral of the story.

When I was asked to pick up the dog poop in my step father in law’s (SFIL) back yard this weekend I was faced with a duel in my head. On one hand, he let us stay at his place for free, fed us and basically let us do what we wanted. On … Read More »

Posted in General Stuff | 1 Comment
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