Netflix has some amazing documentaries, and the one on the AVN Awards was no exception. It was an “R-rated look at the X-rated industry.” The struggle to keep it factual and not drift into a documentary about sex was clear. That said, the director managed to – ugh this fly will NOT go away – what was I saying? Oh, yeah, he managed to walk that line perfectly, and it was a pleasure to watch. Even though the amount of boobs was -
“Do these jeans make me look fat?” The wife had come from nowhere. I was completely unprepared for this line of questioning. Since this was a closed-ended question, there are only a few answers that fit and a few options outside of answering with a yes or no. I also knew that timing was critical, as any delay in answering took credibility away from me and allowed her to insert her own answer and then get mad at me for thinking it.
So without hesitation, I went with the safe bet, the tried and true staple of all married men around the world that have ever stepped into this trap, and said:
“Of course not, honey, you look fantastic in those jeans!”
…which elicited the unpredictable but very familiar answer of:
“UGH! You’re such a DICK,” followed by storming out of the room.
I got dizzy for a second and everything got fuzzy. After a long blink, I was staring at the AVN documentay again. It was a part that I had just seen where the porn star was talking about how she had graduated Magna Cum Loudly at her college with honors and an English degree. The second time I saw this, I realized how dumb it was. I mean, she said that she knew English GOOD – shoo, fly, shoo – what kind of English major would -
“Do these jeans make me look fat?”
What. The. Fuck. Didn’t we just do this? She was acting like we hadn’t even talked yet, but…now that I think about it, everything happened the same way. Even the damn fly. I tripped out for a moment.
Within seconds I figured it out. I watched Star Trek enough to know that I was probably caught in some kind of married man’s time loop. There was only one way out of this: Find the right answer to her question. I had to do it for the sake of the universe. The fate of all mankind rested on me immediately finding the correct answer to the riddle that has stumped men since pants were invented.
“Yes, dear, they do, but only a little.”
With this, she invoked the superpowers that all women have tucked away in their souls and moved too fast for me to see WHAT she was hurling at me. After it landed on my head, I realized that it was my signed, hard copy of the last Harry Potter book. That hurt, but before I could register the pain, she was out of the room and I was getting dizzy again.
What kind of unfair time loop allows me to go back in time but still feel the pain of the god damn book hitting me in the head? UNFAIR! Here is that dumb, ‘good’, English-speaking porn star again talking about her college experience which, on the third pass, sounded an awful lot like being a fucking porn star and – GOD DAMN FLY – her voice is really annoying and -
“Do these jeans make me look fat?”
“MAYBE, BUT I LOVE YOU ANYWAY. NOW GET OVER YOURSELF,” followed by a tear, because really, that was uncalled for since she was only doing this for the first time when I had already done it three times.
“You can be a real dick sometimes,” she said. She did the only thing worse than storming out of the room. She slowly walked with her shoulders hunched. I started to go after her to apologize when I got dizzy and there I was in my chair again.
Instead of getting distracted by the boob talking about boobs on the TV, I spent my time thinking about how to answer this and end my time loop. It was getting old, and even though the same five minutes was repeating, I was starting to get hungry. As the porn star started talking about her college exper- SMACK! Got that fucking fly -ience I knew time was short. This time I saw her coming out of the bedroom and I focused.
“Do these jeans make me look fat?”
“I don’t know, turn around for me? Ahh…yes, turn the other way? Uh huh, yes. Let’s see, mmmm, yeah you look really good! Good buy!”
“Are you being serious? I’m going to my reunion tonight, and I want to make sure I look good.”
Progress! I knew this was a tender moment, so I paused for effect. Then I said:
“Yes, honey, you look great. You’re going to knock them all dead.”
Thank god that worked because my next plan was to hit her over the head with a shovel and bury her and those god damn jeans in the back yard.