When I worked in the jewelry store, old people would come in all the time. I seem to be a magnet for old people. They love me. I don’t know why, but they always have. As they shuffled, rolled or limped in with their canes and walkers, you could almost see the powerful force influencing their steps and pulling them closer and closer to me.
My superpower is a gravity-like force that only affects people … Read More »
At age 19, my full-time job was at a small family jeweler in NJ. My part-time gig was as a Phish-loving hippie who drove a Beetle with flowers. I was kind of a junkie, to be honest. I had amassed over 85 shows before I got totally sick of their 20+ minute songs, hairy women, and the smell of patchouli.
Around the time of this story, I had only been to a few shows here
I got my first job at a fancy French bakery owned by my next door neighbors. I had connections, so I used them. They had all the things that you would expect from a bakery – baguettes, rolls, pastries, and loaves of all kinds. It was a great opportunity for me to learn about sales, marketing, cash flow, customer service, and the values of being a good employee.
So naturally, as a 16 year old, … Read More »
Some days it seems as if you are just destined to sit at your desk waiting for the job fairy to come along and whip you into action with the ferocity of ancient Egyptian slave drivers. Admit it: as much as working sucks, sitting there doing nothing for eight hours straight sucks even more. This type of down time can be a bad scenario for someone who is easily bored and overly creative, like me.… Read More »
I have a lot of embarrassing moments from the high school portion of my life. I could tell you about the time I broke my testicle in a public pool while locking eyes with the girl of my dreams, but not today. Instead, this story is about the time I took the career aptitude test that our high school guidance counselor gave us in my sophomore year.
The basic thought behind the bullshit multiple choice … Read More »
I like to focus my political agenda on fictitious things like zombies and unicorns because I can’t be wrong in a world where I make up the rules.
Speaking of rules, I thought it might be a good idea to set up some guidelines as to how to properly behave in a post-apocalyptic time with zombies in it. I like to refer to it as The Zombie Bill Of Rights or, as it will be
In the summer of my 6th year, my parents had a large pile of dirt in the driveway. I have no idea why they had this dirt or where the dirt came from. My guess then is the same guess I have now: there was a big hole somewhere…either that, or a giant dirt eating monster had a big dirt meal and threw it up on the driveway. But that’s ridiculous, right?
RIGHT?
This pile … Read More »
A small detail that you don’t already know about me: I have mostly normal eyebrows. Mostly. At any given moment there are hundreds of happy, well-adjusted hairs that live their lives according to nature, grow to a certain length, stay the right color and then fall out when it’s time to move on to eyebrow heaven.
Then there are the other four hairs. These four strays are the rebels, the mavericks. They over achieve and … Read More »
